Divorce

When Should You Give Up On Trying to Save Your Marriage?

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reconciliation

 It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over (and Even Then, It Ain’t Always Over)

I want to share a story about a married couple I’ll call Erin and Ben. They came to me a couple of years ago for a process called Discernment Counseling. This counseling process was developed to guide couples on the brink of divorce. Usually one or both partners are strongly considering ending the marriage. In a vast majority of these cases, one spouse wants the divorce while the other spouse wants the opportunity to save the marriage and is willing to commit to marriage therapy.

Erin and Ben decided that reconciliation wasn’t the right path for them. It’s usually one person who leads this final decision, and in this case, it was Erin. The last straw came when she found out Ben had an affair which she did not know about previously. I discontinued my services after providing resources for divorcing. They began the process with legal counsel and hashing out their marital settlement agreement.

It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over

Let’s take a quick sidetrack…

According to the free dictionary, the idiom, “it ain’t over till it’s over” means, “The final outcome cannot be assumed or determined until a given situation, event, etc., is completely finished.” Its most frequent use is in reference to competitions, such as sporting events, political elections

Baseball legend Yogi Berra is the first to use the phase during the 1973 baseball National League pennant race. His team was way behind, with a loss nearly certain, but they eventually turned things around and won the division title. The team members rallied. They didn’t just give up because they were losing. They brought their best selves to the game even when an undesired outcome was very likely.

The saying is often regurgitated in popular media and has also moved beyond competitions and into clarifying a relationship status. There are wisdom and truth in it. It encourages people to wait, not make a judgment just yet because even with tremendous struggle and poor odds, the outcome still may turn around.

Now back again to Erin and Ben…

Many months after my last contact with them, I got a surprising call from Erin. She had a change of heart and wished to halt the divorce process and try to reconcile with a course of marriage therapy. I was so curious to learn what gave her a change of heart.

What she relayed to me was incredibly valuable. It validated some of the guidance I give to the spouse who is often desperate to save the marriage but sometimes makes things worse even unintentionally. She said what has her reconsidering her decision was the way he treated her during the divorce process. He was kind, helpful, generous, caring, and he wanted to make sure she was safe and secure as a soon to be single mother of their two children. He also expressed regret and remorse for not just the affair but also some of his other behavior during their marriage. Erin was blown away and felt a lot of love returning just from his handling of the separation, his consideration for her, and his genuine display of remorse.

You Can’t Divorce Yourself

The other part of what she relayed to me validated the second piece of advice I give somebody strongly considering divorce, and that is, you can’t divorce yourself. There’s tremendous potential to bring our own personal problem, negative personality trait, poor style of communication, and so on, into the next relationship. Both partners need a deeper understanding of their role in what caused the marriage to end and this is an important piece to figure this out. Erin let me know she often reflected on this fact.     

The Divorce Rate is Higher for Second Marriages 

Another statistic to remember is that the divorce rate for second marriages is around 60 to 70%, and not learning about yourself and your contribution to what’s happened in the first marriage is one of the reasons. While we’re on this topic, another primary reason second marriages don’t succeed results from trying to “blend” two families which often yields a new set of significant challenges to your post-divorced life. The divorce rate for third marriages is even higher than for second marriages. 

Erin and Ben reconciled and had a successful outcome from marriage therapy. Now, I realize this is rare. In fact, according to available statistics, around 13% of people reconcile after separation, and 6% of divorced couples later remarry again. Hence, 19% of couples stay together even after seriously considering divorce, separating, or finalizing their divorce.

Bring Your Best Self to The Marital Crisis

The bottom line here is that if you are the spouse who is leaning into the marriage desperately wanting to save it and you have an unwilling partner, you must bring your best self to this marital crisis even when an undesired outcome is likely.  You still have opportunity to make the changes you likely promised when your spouse threatened divorce in the first place. I’ve got both statistical and professional proof that reconciliation is still possible even when it comes to divorce. So, when should you stop trying to save your marriage? Remember, it ain’t over till it’s over (and even then, it ain’t always over)!  

Do you need help deciding the next step in your marriage? As a skilled discernment counselor, I do this all the time! Feel free to reach out to me for help. Grab my free guide just for couples looking for help. 

Four Major Reasons for Divorce

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marital problems

Reasons for DivorceThe most challenging of marital problems often involves what is called the “4 A’s.” These are adultery, addiction, abuse, and agendas.  It is worthwhile to distinguish between what is considered “hard” reasons (such as the 4 A’s) vs. “soft” reasons people often cite when giving up on their marriages.  “Soft” reasons are not synonymous with “trivial” reasons. Soft reasons consist of everything other than the 4 A’s.  Examples are growing apart, boredom, poor communication or feeling you have little in common with your partner. When compared with soft reasons, the 4 A’s pose bigger challenges to the viability of your marriage and are more likely to lead to divorce.

Here are the four hard reasons for divorce: 

ADULTERY

Adultery (also called infidelity) is extramarital sexual relations that are thought to be objectionable on several grounds including social, religious, moral and possibly legal. In some cultures, it is considered criminal as well, but this is not the case in the U.S. and in most Western countries. Adultery is a serious problem within a supposedly monogamous marriage. There is debate as to what sexual activities besides intercourse actually constitute adultery. What may be more reverent to focus on is the fact that one partner is keeping secrets and having an inappropriate relationship that may span the continuum from emotional to physical, and that when this comes to light it most often causes a significant crisis in the marriage. Infidelity is often a consequence of other underlying, unresolved problems in the marriage.  On the other hand, people who cheat may have a sex addiction or sexually compulsive behavior. Some people believe that cheaters have “bad character.”

ADDICTION

Addiction is a disorder that results when a person uses a substance such as alcohol, cocaine or heroin or engages in an activity such as sex, gambling or shopping, which continued behavior becomes compulsive and interferes with usual life responsibilities. Life responsibilities impacted include interpersonal relationships, work, and/or health. There may be a physiological dependence when addicted to a substance. This means the body has adapted to the substance so that more and more is needed to achieve the same effect. This is also known as “tolerance.”  Denial is often present as addicts are usually not aware that their behavior is destructive, out of control and causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around them.  Among those most negatively impacted are the addict’s spouse and children.  The spouse of a partner with addiction can fall, albeit unintentionally, into the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. This unhealthy, codependent behavior also becomes utterly draining for the enabling spouse.

ABUSE

Abuse in a relationship may be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or economic.  Physical abuse, also known as “domestic violence,” is clearer as it involves the infliction of physical pain (e.g. hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc.). On the contrary, emotional abuse is often quite subtle. This abuse occurs when a partner has you constantly “walking on eggshells” or feeling manipulated.  Examples may be a partner who is excessively jealous or controlling, who often makes fun of you, guilt trips, withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment, among other actions. Economic abuse involves a spouse who excessively controls the finances.  The controlled spouse’s self- esteem is chipped away by the abusive partner leaving them feeling powerless, shut down, fearful and ultimately very unhappy in the marriage.

AGENDAS

People change continuously. Whether it be personal growth or new situations that you need to adapt to, you and your partner are likely not exactly the same as the day you married. The success of your marriage will depend, in part, on how you adapt to each other through these personal changes. Supporting each other’s goals is critical, but what happens when they are very opposite?  For example, a spouse wants to start a new career from scratch, you decide city living is no longer for you and you wish to move to the country, or one of you wants to change your religion? When your agendas are on different pages, you will most likely have a severe or even unresolvable relationship crisis on your hands.

The 4A’s are difficult challenges to the sustainability of your marriage. They will frequently and inevitably lead to divorce. If not divorce, then an unhappy and disconnected marriage. Especially if you both do not get professional help to work through these issues. The person who is committing the acts of cheating, addiction, or abuse should also undergo their own personal therapy to specifically work on self-change in these problematic areas. Help is available with qualified and experienced therapists and this will give you a fighting chance to identify and work through these roadblocks.

 I am here to offer you private and confidential help if the the 4A’s are wrecking your relationship. Reach out to discuss your options. Also, check out my FREE GUIDE just for couples looking for help.  

Can This Marriage Be Saved? A Discernment Counseling Assessment May Be Right for You Both

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Discernment Counseling Boca raton

Is there anything a marriage therapist can really do when one of the partners is one foot out the door?  Maybe both people are not sure staying married is the best idea.  Or, what if one spouse simply refuses to attend counseling?

An estimated 30% of couples presenting for marriage therapy actually have a “mixed-agenda.”  This means they both have differing desires as whether to save the marriage or not.  One (or both) may be seriously considering divorce or, in other words, “ambivalent” about saving the marriage.

Traditional marriage therapy only works when BOTH partners desire the same outcome to save the marriage. So, when one partner is ambivalent, it can seem like a pretty hopeless situation for both couple and therapist. That is, until fairly recently…

Now there is an approach for working with such couples called discernment counseling.  Prior to this method, traditional marriage therapy would often fizzle out or end in frustration for both the couple and the therapist. Yet, couples still desperately need meaningful help when they are in this space.

Thanks to Dr. Bill Doherty, Ph.D. and his relationship research institute, there is a way for working with the couples who are starting off in different places. He has been training therapists all over the country about how to do this counseling.  Dr. Doherty also has a program for family lawyers, mediators, and clergy who are frequently finding these couples in their midst as well.

Goals of Discernment Counseling

The goal of discernment counseling is for the couple to gain greater clarity and confidence in their decision making about whether to divorce or reconcile. The sessions are to explore specific topics relevant to three paths under consideration: (1) stay married as it has been, (2) move towards separation and divorce or (3) agree on a reconciliation period with an all-out effort in therapy.

Couples meet in the counseling sessions for a portion together and also one on one with the therapist. This is done so that each individual has time to work on their own goals. The crux of this will be about each partner’s personal agenda for change. It is deeply important that each person begins to see his/her own contributions to the relationship problems as well as the possible solutions.

All communications in these individual sessions are kept confidential. This is an important factor that allows the client to provide all necessary details (even in regard to an affair if there is one) to the therapist in order to help him or her sort through the decision making process. Each partner is treated in a respectful and compassionate way regardless of how they are feeling their marriage at the moment.

If reconciliation (path 3) is agreed upon, couples are educated about what marriage therapy looks like and what will be expected of them. Each partner is explained the expectations.  At this point, traditional marriage therapy can begin with the same counselor or they may return to their referring counselor.  If separation/divorce (path 2) is chosen, the couple is given education and resources to help them collaboratively work through the dissolution of the marriage.

If the partner considering divorce refuses to attend discernment counseling at all, individual “hopeful spouse counseling” is offered as an alternative.  Therapists often get desperate calls from this person when a partner threatens to leave the marriage.

The goal of hopeful spouse counseling is to help support the client in their desire to save the marriage. Strategies are designed to help the client manage the crisis and learn constructive and healthy ways to prevent the marriage from going the divorce direction if at all possible. If at any point the partner wishes to join in the process, this is of course welcomed.

The discernment counseling assessment process is a 4 session series consisting of joint time together and 1:1 separately, and then a final feedback session.

Please note that this is NOT  closure therapy as it is not intended to help one of the partners accept their partner’s final decision to divorce. If you need closure therapy, be certain to specify this to the therapist prior to any meetings. Discernment counseling is also not recommended for anyone coerced to come in or if there is a history of violence in the relationship.

Additional Benefits of a Discernment Counseling Assessment

This counseling has been found to be immensely useful in future relationships even if the marriage ends. It is also proven to help couples truly be more cooperative with each other in the divorce process if that is the chosen path.  We must consider that divorce is a decision with far-reaching impacts, even into future generations.  Discernment counseling can help a couple carefully and consciously decide their next step in regards to their marriage.

 

You might want to check out a podcast interview where I discuss the topic of Discernment Counseling. 

Discernment/divorce counseling assessment process is available for couples in a private and confidential setting in Boca Raton, Florida or online for any residents of FL, AL, MD, VT, SC.  Contact me for more information. To search the entire U.S., go to www.DiscernmentCounselors.com. 

Conscious Uncoupling: The Reality No One Tells You

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conscious uncoupling

According to MacMillonDictionary.com, “conscious uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.”  The partners make a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It’s a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.

The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to “consciously uncouple.” The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce.  The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. However, its mockery by journalists has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.

Therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title, Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (2015). Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal one that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. However, science tells us that this ideal rarely happens.

The Science of  the Uncoupling Process

Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret. One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that the relationship was a mistake. But, what the initiator does is stay quiet, not bring the dissatisfaction up to the spouse but instead processes their feelings on their own (or with their own private therapist).

Instead of directly communicating with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviors:

  • The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to fix their partner who is clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
  • The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
  • The initiator makes essential changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
  • The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten.  Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
  • The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
  • The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
  • The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will be instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer or a therapist.  It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.

The daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create significant barriers to separation.

Is it really Conscious or Unconscious Uncoupling?

The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and somewhat “unconscious” way.  Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to (or refuses to) communicate their intense dissatisfaction about the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too little and too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.

What’s written here is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It’s strictly reporting upon the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner, rather than later if one or both are unhappy in the relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul or choosing to do course of marriage therapy to see if they can restore the relationship to health.

If you need help with marriage therapy, conscious uncoupling, or other divorce-related problems, reach out to me . 

What To Do To Help Save Your Marriage If Your Spouse Asks For A Divorce

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divorce

Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants a divorce. (By the way, it’s almost never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save your marriage…even marriage therapy. Anyway, what if your spouse says  those dreadful words…“I’m done…I want a divorce?”

As the saying goes, it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing if your spouse is seriously considering divorce.

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD NOT do if your spouse asks for a divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
  • Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
  • Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
  • Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
  • Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
  • Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
  • Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
  • Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
  • Do not say “I love you.” Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or “pushy.”
  • Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!

Here are the top 10 things you SHOULD DO if your spouse wants to divorce and you want to save your marriage:

  • Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful.  Muster up the best attitude you can.
  • Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
  • Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
  • Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
  • Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
  • Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
  • Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
  • Do allow your spouse to come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
  • Do not engage in arguments.  Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this.  You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation…then do it!)
  • Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor. Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.

It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.  It’s also not a bad idea to suggest a process called discernment counseling to see if he/she is willing to push “pause” on the process so you can both rationally sort through the options for the future of your marriage.

Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent in these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place in your relationship where divorce is on the table. What are the reasons divorce is now imminent? What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing and responding to?

It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. It’s essential that you start changing first and before you expect change from your partner. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.

Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain.

I’m Dr. Marni Feuerman, is a licensed psychotherapist in Boca Raton, Florida who specializes in working with couples who are highly distressed or on the brink of divorce. Reach out to me for help with your marriage. 

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